Heart ache.
I was never one to experience heart ache. I never opened my heart to anyone romantically because i never found anyone i cared about or wanted to know me at all. I moved in with some friends, and found someone. I had met him before. Thought he was absolutely adorable. Once we became roommates things just grew from there. We started dating a month later. I had never been so happy in my entire life. I was convinced i had found him. The one I was going to be with for the rest of my life. Yes, we were different in every way possible, but i didn't care. Yes we had completely different interests, but i didn't care. Then as the months went by i noticed things were changing. He didn't seem happy anymore. All I wanted was for him to be happy. I tortured myself wondering what i had done or what i could do to make him happy. All the while completely missing the fact that he wasn't spending any time with me. Never wanted to go out, if i was crying he would just avoid me. I started to feel like an obligation to him. I didn't want to let go because I cared so much. It was then that I realized I had done what I swore I never would. I had let him in. I had fallen in love with someone which meant giving my heart to someone and trusting them not to break it. Only after I realized that I was in love with him, it was clear he didn't feel the same way. I felt horrible everyday. I became introverted, closed off to the outside world. I didn't know who i was anymore. All I wanted to know was, what could i do to make him happy again. As the inevitable came, he broke up with me. And until yesterday I have tried to play it off as if I was fine with it, as if my life was better without him. But truth be told, I'm heartbroken, he hurt me in the worst way possible and I don't think he has any idea. And that is what hurts so bad. The worst thing about this is I still love him. All I want is for him to be happy. I feel helpless, alone, and I just want to feel good again. I never thought falling in love could feel this bad, but it does.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
The first stereotype, youngest child
well, as not everyone can be a youngest child, there are many of us out there.
-As the stereotype would play into it a youngest child is:
-A show off who enjoys the spot light
-Both a charmer and a rebel
-Hard to deal with
-The family clown
-Creative
-Often not taken seriously
-Likely compelled to do what their older siblings haven't
-make decisions without thinking about them
Sadly but surely I either still, or once did apply to every last one of these stereotypes.
I used to love being the center of attention, with adults my friends, everyone. However as the years passed by it became clear to me it was hard to keep friends as well as hard for people to want to talk to you if you are constantly trying to make the conversation about you, or you never want to do what other people do. Thankfully over time I learned to behave like a normal person who can talk about myself every once in a while, but mostly keep the focus on other people or what they want to talk about.
Being a charmer has never been a struggle for me. I contribute most of that to my family. Luckily as a youngest child not only did I get to watch my parents and learn but I got to watch my two older siblings as well. And as you'll read in the future in another blog one of my other stereotypes feeds into that as well. Growing up I was often around people my age as well as mostly adults. Learned fast.
Let's not forget about the rebel, I never liked obeying when I was younger, always snuck thing, and often got in trouble. Never figured out why, but I was quite the rebel up until my middle teen years. Thankfully grew out of that phase eventually, well mostly, I still don't always do things according to how my family would find appropriate.
As for the hard to deal with, I could contribute that to be a female and just my emotions making it hard, but I can also be incredibly stubborn and especially if it's about something I am passionate about.
Family clown, oh you bet. I'm an extrovert born into an entire family of introverts. Family clown doesn't even begin to describe. Thankfully my dad is pretty crazy funny, especially for being introverted. So I'm not completely alone but if we took a vote I'd definitely be voted "Family Clown"
Creative, yes, and not. I'm telling you right now, I cannot draw, or carve, or sculpt anything. But when it comes to the performing arts,I totally dig them. Theatre is a huge part of my life, music, singing keeps me going sometimes. But movies, oh how I love a good film!
As for not being taken seriously, I can't really relate to that one anymore, but when I was younger I made stuff up all the time. So my family and people close to me rarely ever took anything I said into account.
Likely to do what older siblings didn't, I would agree. It isn't out of dislike, it's just, when I say my sisters and I are polar opposites I'm dead serious. So of course I'm going to do different things, our interests are a part of that Polar thing.
And last but the most true, making decisions without thinking through them, I am the queen of that, well at least I was up until a little over a year ago. After thousands of bad decisions and often one after the other, one final rash decision which turned my life upside down, and sent me into a tailspin of emotion and hurt, I changed. Unfortunately I'm now at the other end of the spectrum, haha now I tend to over think and over analyze anything and everything. Which can sometimes be just as bad.
So there you have it, my youngest child stereotype.
-As the stereotype would play into it a youngest child is:
-A show off who enjoys the spot light
-Both a charmer and a rebel
-Hard to deal with
-The family clown
-Creative
-Often not taken seriously
-Likely compelled to do what their older siblings haven't
-make decisions without thinking about them
Sadly but surely I either still, or once did apply to every last one of these stereotypes.
I used to love being the center of attention, with adults my friends, everyone. However as the years passed by it became clear to me it was hard to keep friends as well as hard for people to want to talk to you if you are constantly trying to make the conversation about you, or you never want to do what other people do. Thankfully over time I learned to behave like a normal person who can talk about myself every once in a while, but mostly keep the focus on other people or what they want to talk about.
Being a charmer has never been a struggle for me. I contribute most of that to my family. Luckily as a youngest child not only did I get to watch my parents and learn but I got to watch my two older siblings as well. And as you'll read in the future in another blog one of my other stereotypes feeds into that as well. Growing up I was often around people my age as well as mostly adults. Learned fast.
Let's not forget about the rebel, I never liked obeying when I was younger, always snuck thing, and often got in trouble. Never figured out why, but I was quite the rebel up until my middle teen years. Thankfully grew out of that phase eventually, well mostly, I still don't always do things according to how my family would find appropriate.
As for the hard to deal with, I could contribute that to be a female and just my emotions making it hard, but I can also be incredibly stubborn and especially if it's about something I am passionate about.
Family clown, oh you bet. I'm an extrovert born into an entire family of introverts. Family clown doesn't even begin to describe. Thankfully my dad is pretty crazy funny, especially for being introverted. So I'm not completely alone but if we took a vote I'd definitely be voted "Family Clown"
Creative, yes, and not. I'm telling you right now, I cannot draw, or carve, or sculpt anything. But when it comes to the performing arts,I totally dig them. Theatre is a huge part of my life, music, singing keeps me going sometimes. But movies, oh how I love a good film!
As for not being taken seriously, I can't really relate to that one anymore, but when I was younger I made stuff up all the time. So my family and people close to me rarely ever took anything I said into account.
Likely to do what older siblings didn't, I would agree. It isn't out of dislike, it's just, when I say my sisters and I are polar opposites I'm dead serious. So of course I'm going to do different things, our interests are a part of that Polar thing.
And last but the most true, making decisions without thinking through them, I am the queen of that, well at least I was up until a little over a year ago. After thousands of bad decisions and often one after the other, one final rash decision which turned my life upside down, and sent me into a tailspin of emotion and hurt, I changed. Unfortunately I'm now at the other end of the spectrum, haha now I tend to over think and over analyze anything and everything. Which can sometimes be just as bad.
So there you have it, my youngest child stereotype.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Just a quick hey
Super excited to start a new blog, first blog actually. Looking forward to sharing my experiences in life with you, please let me know what you think of my blogs as they post! I love feedback!!
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